Every sexual relationship deserves to be fulfilling, healthy, happy and mutually extremely pleasurable, but exactly what that means will depend on the couple.

Sometimes it will be a tender, romantic dinner that leads to an exceptionally sensual and intimate embrace. For others, it will involve a shared animalistic passion, and in other cases, it is about experimenting with kinks, fetishes and interests.

All of these scenarios are ones where a sex shop can help guide you in the right direction of pleasure, but the ultimate way to have better sex is to talk about what you like and what you don’t like with your partner and help dispel myths that are often uncritically regurgitated about “good” sex.

The biggest one is the idea that sex lasting longer is always inherently better, which is one of the many myths about sex that comes from the highly performative and accurate world of pornography.

It is simply incorrect as a universal rule, often has limits even for people who do like longer sex, and is illustrative of people asking the wrong questions about their sex lives.

How Long Should Sex Be?

The answer to any question about sex is going to be filled with caveats, the biggest of which is that if sex feels right for you and your partner, you’re doing it right.

There have been some studies about the ideal length of penetrative sex, and answers have ranged from three minutes to around ten minutes, although there is an inherent question about measuring the time it takes to start and finish.

Typically if you are clockwatching whilst in bed with someone, there are probably greater problems than premature orgasm.

Typically, under two minutes is seen as too short according to the study and over ten minutes is seen as too long, which can be just as much of a turn-off as it can lead to pain, swelling and even infection.

However, arguably the problem is not about the length of sex but what parts of sensuality and our sex lives are perceived as sex.

When Does Sex Begin?

The very question about the length of sex has an inherent assumption that the only part of sex that is important enough to quantify and study is penetration, which is not only a heteronormative viewpoint in the first place but leads people to miss what makes sex fun in the first place.

Sex doesn’t start when two people join together, it starts with the bite of a lip, the squeeze of hands, a gentle caress and a passionate kiss. It involves oral sex, stimulating a person’s sensitive spots and erogenous zones with fingers or toys, it can sometimes involve multiple orgasms before any penetration at all.

It’s also the moans, breathy sighs, the dirty talk or exclamations of pleasure that come during a sexual encounter. It also involves aftercare, cuddles, kisses, words of affection and everything that comes after sex as well.

All of this is far longer than the 3-13 minute guideline for “normal sex” and so when people say they want longer sex, often what they actually mean is they want more foreplay, more aftercare and for sex to be more holistic and all-encompassing than just intercourse.